Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
