Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
