Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
