he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
