So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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