hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize