another moral hangover. fuck.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
