I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
