filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
