been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
