Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
