Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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