you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
