Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
