It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
