she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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