true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
