Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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