Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
