Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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