The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
