But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We need to feng shui this bitch.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
