i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
