i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
