You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
