The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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