I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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