meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I love having hate sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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