you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
