i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
