she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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