Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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