Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
