Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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