In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
