I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
