I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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