Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
