you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
