No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
