It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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