im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize