DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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