Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
