Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
