I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What a dumb baby whore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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