I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
