Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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