i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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