So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
