What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
