the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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