I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
