I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
