i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
