Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
