I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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