I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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