We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
