There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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