Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
