all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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