I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize