saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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